Its different

He's so different. I don't know what it is about him that keeps me coming back but there's something different about him. He's as big of a douche as all the rest, so that makes him similar. But he likes me, and I know it. Why else would he wanna hang out all the time? Why else would he tell people he wants a girlfriend? He shows me he likes me, but he can't say it out loud. For some reason he's speechless with me. And then sometimes he does things so wrong. So unattractive. And he makes me wanna hate him. I think its the constant battle of whether i want him or not that draws me. I want him, oh yes, I want him. And I know he wants me. But then we face the issue that he sometimes acts shady. Or that i haven't talked to him in 3 days.. That poses a problem. I think it'd be best that I leave this one. He's also different because he's stuck around for about 2 months, and its crazy to think we've texted that long. And that we actually hang out and do stuff together. I'm not sure what he exactly thinks about me, I'm not sure how he feels either. I know he likes me, but who knows how much? I normally wouldn't go for a guy a lot of people don't like but he's got me on a hook. Lord knows whats going to happen. I just wish i knew the answers. But i won't and i can't. Maybe i should move on..

realizing the truth.

this feeling is definitely weird. im not used to not thinking about bryson..or somehow worrying over him. its definitely weird to almost feel nothing towards him. i almost don't miss him or anything. there's not one thought or wish to go out to him anymore. i think i've really decided that i can do better, i deserve better, and i've got plenty of other boys to go to. why all the trouble on one boy who left me and got a girlfriend? and one day they won't be so happy and i'll be over it and on with my life. this feeling is almost freeing. i feel like i have a whole road ahead of me and i have got the rest of my life to figure everything out. there's gonna be plenty of other boys to be with, plenty of other opportunities, and countless memories to make. why waste so much time on something thats never going to change? why change what i like to fit what he likes? why should i ever do that? i am me, i am who i am and i don't wanna be anyone else. i wouldn't change me for anything. why did i ever think that was okay? and now that everything is so clear to me now, i wonder how i ever got to that place in the first place. how could i ever do that to myself? it definitely proves that love blinds you. it blinded me in a lot of ways. but im over it... which is really strange for me. is he happy for me? prolly not. does he care? again prolly not. did he ever care? no, he didn't. and seeing the truth really helps me. but i dont think about him anymore.. and it kinda scares me really. i don't know my life without him now, and ive been so caught up in him for so long i don't know how not to be. but i am now. and its the best. everyone was right. he wasn't worth the fight no matter how much i thought he was. seeing the truth in a situation is never easy. and it takes a lot of time to really notice. it can be right in front of your face and you would never know it. like everyone says, you have to tell yourself the truth. you will never figure this all out until you tell yourself that you can do better and deserve better. and i finally did it and it really happened. there's no telling when this moment will happen, but it does. and eventually life is gonna let you move on from all those things holding you back. im happier this way. i have my friends. i have kayla for once. and since we've became friends i have found parts of me that i have always liked but never got to see. i'm having fun for the first time in forever. im living my high school life. im doing something this year. and without ashley constantly by my side, im coming out of my shell. im getting to know people i never thought i would know and im doing things ive never done before. im so proud of myself and im so happy. the truth hurts, and it bites. when it comes out it stings, but once it all comes out, and its out in the open, thats when things change. and im so happy with how things have worked out. i wouldnt dream of it being any different. thank you god, you finally taught me a big lesson, and im so happy to be where i am.

military family

you never understand the military until you have someone in your family leave and not come back for more than a couple months at a time. you never appreciate all that they do for you until your brother leaves you, and is gone for 9 months at a time. you never fully understand the meaning of family until all your family has is the hope that your brother is going to come home. you dont understand a lot until you go through the experience yourself, and this feeling isn't something you just get rid of. yes, there comes times when i start to get used to my brother being gone, and i get used to the empty house. but he's a missing piece in the puzzle we call my family. he's the missing link between the 5 of us. yes, there's my 2 other brothers to think about. but they were never a part of our household, i didnt grow up with them, i wasn't raised with them. we don't have that connection that my brother, and my sister have. the military is a strange thing. it brings us closer under hope and support. it makes us realize all the things we took for granted, and its always a reminder of what you should've taken advantage of. this feeling is indescribable, you just can't explain it. its a constant longing to see your sailor, its a constant hoping for safety and God's eyes watching over him. being a military sister isn't a small task, and its not easy. you have to be there for constant support, never fail to be there for even the smallest things, and devoting constant time to make sure they know they are appreciated. i love my brother so much. he means the absolute world to me. i miss him more than i miss anything. no boy, no friend, no bad day, can compare to how much i miss him. there is nothing that compares to this feeling without him. growing up without him, going to big events without him, and changing without him..all things i hate doing. this year i'm going to get my class ring, go to ring dance, and then start my senior year. im growing up without him and i can't stand it. it kills me every time. when he comes home its like a piece of me came back. when he leaves my heart goes with him, its just part of the life. this has turned out to be a rocky, long, journey but at the end of the day..its for the best and for his future. its not easy, sometimes its the worst feeling in the world, but its something you do because you know whats best. i love my brother more than anything in the world. and being in a military family isn't easy, it can be a big struggle, but it knits you closer than ever imagined. i wouldnt want it any different.

memories

there's something about a memory. its a feeling no one can describe. sometimes you replay it in your head, sometimes you hear something you'll never forget, sometimes you'll be able to feel a feeling you haven't felt in forever. memories are so precious when time goes by. all you have to do is look back and just feel a thousand different things. memories are tangible pieces of you, that will always be there. i can look back at sad times, and feel the pain almost like its new. or i can look at it and see how far i've come from then. sometimes i look back at the bad times and smile because they brought me the good. i look back on times where i thought i never would make it, or that things would never get better. but i look back at those days when i thought my life was over, and see how much i've changed. sometimes i look back on a good night, and feel it all over again. sometimes i can almost replay it like a movie. sometimes it makes me sad to look back and see the people you were with, and know they may not be the same person now. or know that you just aren't nearly as close. but memories teach a really important lesson: its life. people come in your life and give you some of your best memories, and then fade away. some people are meant to stay and keep making more memories. some people are there to teach you a lesson. people change like the seasons, but there's no need to force anything anymore. if you want someone in your life, put them there, they don't make space for you? then you get over it. there's no need to worry about who comes and goes, some people could care less. but memories are things that make us who we are. they connect the dots. they make your time line. its scary growing up, and looking at our past, but it makes us who we are. maybe i wont know any of these people in 10 years, there's nothing i can do about that. they want you in their life, then they'll put you there. memories are something i don't ever wanna give up. they make me who i am and what i do. i will never forget the people who have made a change in my life. people come and go, and with them you bring memories.

junior year.

well.. i have came a long way. i look back at all the other stupid stuff i used to do and i laugh. its crazy how different my life is now. this summer, me and bryson seriously talked. we kissed and we talked and it was the best. he has a new girlfriend a few weeks later and seems to really like her.. which hurts. but really whats the point in being sad? of course im sad. of course i still care a lot. i just dont feel like i have choice anymore. i have to move on. i really do. i feel emotionless. i really do. i almost feel nothing. i hate it and then i like it. i feel like a heartless bitch. lol it wouldnt surprise me after everything thats happened. my life has changed way more than i expected it to ever change. i would never guess that my brother would already divorced and almost an alcoholic? i would never guess that my nanny would be in the nursing home. i never expected bryson to ever date me or at least wanna date me. i didnt expect any of this. i didnt want any of it besides bryson. the story of bryson is never ending. and it will forever be this way. i guess im used to it? all of this is crazy. but a new chapter is being written. i just turned 16. i have my permit. i have a car. im gonna have a job. bradley ferriell is gonna take me to school. im a junior. i have ring ceremony this year. i have ring dance. there's big expectations awaiting me this year and i have to be ready for every single bit of it. im planning on making this year worth the while. im not gonna pretend its gonna be perfect like ive dreamt of my past 2 years of high school to be. but its gonna be a good year. im gonna focus on new things. new friends. new people. im gonna change the stupid stuff i always wanna do, and im gonna forget the things i cant change. bryson cant be somebody i have feelings for. he's always gonna be a part of my life i think, but i have to accept that he's not gonna be with me ever. its part of life. this year im not gonna set some huge expectation on it. i have to grow up and i have to face responsibility. God is going to be a HUGE part of my life this year. im making changes on my priorities. im gonna try fern creek church. im gonna try a new youth group. im gonna let god take the wheel. he knows i dont know what to do. god is the only important thing i should be worried about. its time i face the facts. junior year isnt gonna be some big ol fun time, but its gonna make some memories, and its gonna be a good year. im not gonna set some unrealistic goal on it. im too mature for that now.

summer

i cant wait til summer. i cant wait for the experience, i cant wait to be tan. i cant wait to go out. im gonna make this summer different. happier, funner. im gonna go all out on my clothes and friends and try and go out all the time. im gonna make this the best yet, im gonna make sure of it. i want this summer to be better. my goal for this summer, is to be fucking sexy. hot bikinis, shirts that show off my chest and you can see my belly. im gonna wear the short shorts, get fucking tan and by then my hair will be long and im just gonna go all out. its gonna be a good ass summer. im not gonna forget that this time. screw the feelings for guys, oh im gonna lose that. im gonna mess with them all. give them hell, confuse the shit out of them and play them like ive been playing all these years. maybe ill even lose my virginity, fuck that, i will. im gonna be a bad ass bitch fuck these feelings, im gonna do it. kimberly and ashley are gonna be all i need all summer. fuck everything else.

Alone

im not sure why, but i feel alone. its not like i dont have friends, because i have plenty. its not even the fact that i spend my time at home alone, its the fact that i feel like i dont have anyone to really worry about me, to be there constantly. i sit and watch all my friends be loved on, be kissed and held and loved. and i stand and watch in envy as they get what i always wanted. i know i have people who would hold me and love me and take care of me..maybe im being way too picky. but ive always learned not to settle, and i dont wanna settle for something i know i dont want. i dont want aaron..or collin. i dont. i wanna be loved, but i wanna share the feeling. i wanna know what it feels like to be in love, and to have someone constantly be by your side no matter what, i want my friends to be friends with my boyfriend. i want to have someone to meet up with in the hallway, so i dont feel so alone and looking for my friends. i want to have someone to pick me up and take me home from school, and know that they enjoy doing it. i wanna have someone who appreciates my company as much as i appreciate theirs. i want to have that one person who i constantly am with, that it almost annoys my friends that im always with him. i wanna have the boyfriend who will sling me over his shoulder and me have to scream and laugh for him to stop. i wanna be picked on, and know that its all filled with love. i wanna kiss them, all the time. every time i see them. i wanna fight, and yell, ans scream. i wanna be so on fire with them. i wanna give everything up for them. but keep just enough to keep myself standing. i want a goof ball, someone whos just so stupid that you have to love him. i want him to be loved by my family, and my family to know him so well that theyre sick of him. i want his mom to love me, and his dad talk about how im the best thing thats ever happened to him. i want to piss his ex girlfriend off, so bad that maybe shell cuss me out. i wanna feel fire, ans hatred for him when he screws something up but then comes back an hour so in love with me that i can barely stand it. i want to be happy, the happiest ive ever been, and i dont want some silly relationship. i dont want the kind where you dont know if its real or not. and when i am officially with them, i dont wanna feel the pit in my stomach cause im afraid it wont work out. i wanna look back at all the other boys, and laugh. cause i know they all led me to where i am in that moment. i want to look at him and know that its love in his eyes, not just the lust for my body. i wanna be head or heels in love. i want a spark when he touches me, a tingle. i wanna feel fire when he kisses me, and love when he holds me. i want him to be sweet, just sweet enough, not too sweet. i want to be called baby, and be told im loved all the time. i want what almost every girl wants, love. i would throw my phone out the window for love. i would give up all of my favorite things for that one perfect, cute, irresistable, adorable, goofy, retarded, passionate boy. i want to have that relationship where everyone says, "they're STILL together?" i want people to see how in love we are. i want that relationship where everyday is a holiday with them. i want the joy of being the one and only thing they want. i want him to love me for who i am, where i dont have to fake it. where i dont have to pretend. where he knows everything about me. everything. he knows when im mad, happy, sad, about to lose it, on fire. i want that kiss in the rain. i want to scream and be so mad where im crying. i want love.
i feel alone because its all i want, its the one thing that consumes every part of everyday.i think about it all the time. i want what every teenager wants, love.

i want love.

starting over

so its been a full circle. a turn around. its been a year since i made this blog, and im not quitting now. you wouldnt believe how far ive come, how this year was a clean fresh start. of course i made mistakes already, but everyone does. everyone. its my sophomore year, and ive been doing my best to make the most of it. ive been to hell in back. depression and back. ive came full circle. it almost seems childish the way i acted last year, i pretended it was just awful to see someone go. it is awful, but goodbyes are a part of life. getting let down is a part of life. all of the things i went through is gonna always be a part of being a teenager. this whole teenage thing sucks, getting your heart broken sucks. but there is no reason for me to pretend its the end of the world. its not. ever.

this summer i disappeared, i fell off the face of the earth. i didnt hang out with anyone from school and i was free. i felt free. i felt like i was missing out of course, but i was free. and i did it so i could come back to this year, fresh, and new. bryson had me for the whole summer though, and he never came around. same ole bryson.

theres somethin different about this year though, somethin i can feel. im happier, im learning how to control the way i act and im learning to deal with situations i used to blow off. i have better friends, amazing friends. and they make me happy. brooke and brianna are a pain in the ass but the rest are the best i could ask for. im blessed.

as far as boys go, im with no one. not talkin to anyone and the last person i talked to was alec hubrich, ew lol. but the way it ended was perfect, he let me know, and then it was over. and i was still happy. im happy. bradley and natalie broke up, and i think i might like bradley..but im not sure. i would love a shot with him. he's taller than me, he's cute, and he's sweet. its what i need. but im not gonna get my hopes up, im not even gonna worry about it. its nothing i should worry about because this year, im not gonna put myself to where i was last year. i hate getting my hopes up, and i hate feeling that pit in my stomach. i hope one day i can look back at these and laugh my ass off. and think how dumb i was, for letting it hurt me so much. and i hope i look back with my boyfriend sittin next to me and think i was so young, and fragile. and immature. but i was sure good at lying. and i hope when i read this ill think i was so right.

im gonna have a boyfriend someday, im gonna have someone to be there for me always. forever. and im not gonna have to worry about what the next girl says about him, or whats going on. because it will be me and him, no one else in our relationship. im not sure who its gonna be, or when its gonna be, but its gonna be the best thing. and i cant wait. but until then, im gonna smile and have fun.

who needs boys anyways?

i wish you the best, good luck boo. weezy f for fuck you <3

dkitch.

Truth is your cute, truth is your really funny. Truth is we needa hangout, truth Is you think you can do anything, truth is you always go to subway(; truth is you cant do that one thing(;

this is about me

this time, its about me. its me. im the one who takes control. i do what i do because its my decision. life throws you curve balls, and you know what you do? you catch it. you take it. you make sure everyone in the world knows your stronger than that, that you can be better than that..that you can handle everything..because you can. god wont give you more than you can handle..and you can handle this.
this time is different, this time your not gonna fall on your face. this time, your gonna be happy. no regrets, and no troubles. do whatever it takes to be happy. push past the depression you put yourself in, and face the light. you know you can be happy, and thats all you need to focus on. God, and your happiness. thats all you should worry about. so..instead of just letting everyone in, be guarded. but dont never let someone in, you'll lose yourself in the nothingness.

let dyllin in, you already have. but dont let him make a fool of you, feel scared, weird, or awkward. let him make you happy, you know he does. but when he screws up, give him another chance, but dont keep handing out chances. give him your heart, you already handed over yourself. just dont fall too hard, cause he might not catch you. but trust him, you already know you do. give him your heart, and he'll give you everything. lose something to him, whether it be virginity or a friend..it just proves you love him. you know your already falling for him..his looks, his personality. your falling so hard so fast. dont make yourself believe your in love, cause your not. you might fall in love. hes different, and he made that clear the first day you talked. he told you he wanted to date, he made it obvious. and your both falling. let it happen. just..dont..let yourself get hurt. you will, you know it. but..keep your self from..dying.

they say that i'm trippin', but i know what i want. this guy here is different, he got something that they don't. ♥

im broken

i dont think there's anything i can do anymore. i cant seem to find a guy to hang around long enough to date me..and if they do, i dont truly like them. its so tough to make yourself move on from someone, but when they make it obvious its not going anywhere, you just have to give up on it. i feel like shit for just sitting around here trying to get with him..when its obvious its all he wanted..sex. and i just, cant handle that. i really wish i could find someone to be happy with right now. i hate feeling all happy and excited but never getting the main person you want. and i hate sitting around here wanting someone more than anything but when i get someone i either lose them.. or im not really interested. and it sucks so much to just wait for the right one to just come around and make me so happy. there comes a point when you just have to move on. it hurts more than anything ive ever done but i just gotta do it. i promised myself on january 1, 2011 i would stop trying. but yet, im still working my ass off to be what everyone else wants. but i need to stop. just take a step back. and fix things. because i cant keep lying and i cant keep acting like whats going on is okay. because it will never be. its not right to act like your on top of the world, because you fall down quick. i even lost my best friend. and i hate it more than anything. i just..hate this. so. damn. much. i cant handle this. and i just keep trying to go on and act like whats happening is normal and okay but its really not. none of this is acceptable. and i hate how much i hate my life. because i cant stand the things that go on sometimes, its not right. my family is falling a part. my brother is gone for months. my bestfriend is so mad at me its impossible to believe. i want her back more than anything. school is okay. friends are fake. people keep saying shit. and i cant handle none of this anymore. my BEST friend. the bestest one i've ever have..gone. because of the stupidest things. and i hate myself for it. i hate everything about me. in the past week, ive came so close to being over. to just ending it all. but i always have to remember that i have SOME people who love me. whether i know it or not. im so close to snapping. to just being over. but i keep myself from it because i have to. im to the breaking point. no one else can see the tears in my eyes every night. no one can see how close i am to just ending it all... no one.

i cant even explain this

so...im afraid another one of you boys is done with me. things never seem to work, and i really want a chance at this boy..he's amazing, and i just want him. but i feel like things wont work out the way i want, i want him..more than a lot of things right now. it sucks to think that i might lose him. because i might have a chance now..but im afraid its all about someone else...fmlfmlfmlfmlfml..

i lost him.
thats it, i know and i hate this feeling. i feel like i lost the person who has helped me have any hope for guys.i knew he was trouble, and i know i probably have no chance whatsoever... but i wish. i pray. because, i like him...soooo much. and i wish he would just text me..call me..do whatever, and get me. its all i want. i've let so many guys in..and maybe im wrong for even wanting to let him in.

i think..im done. i think..its dumb for trying. there's hope out there, but i just..cant do this anymore. i cant be used anymore,i cant keep on feeling happy then crushed. if you want me, date me, dont do this to me please. because you kill me.