It's all about love

summer

2012-02-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

i cant wait til summer. i cant wait for the experience, i cant wait to be tan. i cant wait to go out. im gonna make this summer different. happier, funner. im gonna go all out on my clothes and friends and try and go out all the time. im gonna make this the best yet, im gonna make sure of it. i want this summer to be better. my goal for this summer, is to be fucking sexy. hot bikinis, shirts that show off my chest and you can see my belly. im gonna wear the short shorts, get fucking tan and by then my hair will be long and im just gonna go all out. its gonna be a good ass summer. im not gonna forget that this time. screw the feelings for guys, oh im gonna lose that. im gonna mess with them all. give them hell, confuse the shit out of them and play them like ive been playing all these years. maybe ill even lose my virginity, fuck that, i will. im gonna be a bad ass bitch fuck these feelings, im gonna do it. kimberly and ashley are gonna be all i need all summer. fuck everything else.

Alone

2011-11-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

im not sure why, but i feel alone. its not like i dont have friends, because i have plenty. its not even the fact that i spend my time at home alone, its the fact that i feel like i dont have anyone to really worry about me, to be there constantly. i sit and watch all my friends be loved on, be kissed and held and loved. and i stand and watch in envy as they get what i always wanted. i know i have people who would hold me and love me and take care of me..maybe im being way too picky. but ive always learned not to settle, and i dont wanna settle for something i know i dont want. i dont want aaron..or collin. i dont. i wanna be loved, but i wanna share the feeling. i wanna know what it feels like to be in love, and to have someone constantly be by your side no matter what, i want my friends to be friends with my boyfriend. i want to have someone to meet up with in the hallway, so i dont feel so alone and looking for my friends. i want to have someone to pick me up and take me home from school, and know that they enjoy doing it. i wanna have someone who appreciates my company as much as i appreciate theirs. i want to have that one person who i constantly am with, that it almost annoys my friends that im always with him. i wanna have the boyfriend who will sling me over his shoulder and me have to scream and laugh for him to stop. i wanna be picked on, and know that its all filled with love. i wanna kiss them, all the time. every time i see them. i wanna fight, and yell, ans scream. i wanna be so on fire with them. i wanna give everything up for them. but keep just enough to keep myself standing. i want a goof ball, someone whos just so stupid that you have to love him. i want him to be loved by my family, and my family to know him so well that theyre sick of him. i want his mom to love me, and his dad talk about how im the best thing thats ever happened to him. i want to piss his ex girlfriend off, so bad that maybe shell cuss me out. i wanna feel fire, ans hatred for him when he screws something up but then comes back an hour so in love with me that i can barely stand it. i want to be happy, the happiest ive ever been, and i dont want some silly relationship. i dont want the kind where you dont know if its real or not. and when i am officially with them, i dont wanna feel the pit in my stomach cause im afraid it wont work out. i wanna look back at all the other boys, and laugh. cause i know they all led me to where i am in that moment. i want to look at him and know that its love in his eyes, not just the lust for my body. i wanna be head or heels in love. i want a spark when he touches me, a tingle. i wanna feel fire when he kisses me, and love when he holds me. i want him to be sweet, just sweet enough, not too sweet. i want to be called baby, and be told im loved all the time. i want what almost every girl wants, love. i would throw my phone out the window for love. i would give up all of my favorite things for that one perfect, cute, irresistable, adorable, goofy, retarded, passionate boy. i want to have that relationship where everyone says, "they're STILL together?" i want people to see how in love we are. i want that relationship where everyday is a holiday with them. i want the joy of being the one and only thing they want. i want him to love me for who i am, where i dont have to fake it. where i dont have to pretend. where he knows everything about me. everything. he knows when im mad, happy, sad, about to lose it, on fire. i want that kiss in the rain. i want to scream and be so mad where im crying. i want love.
i feel alone because its all i want, its the one thing that consumes every part of everyday.i think about it all the time. i want what every teenager wants, love.

i want love.

starting over

2011-10-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

so its been a full circle. a turn around. its been a year since i made this blog, and im not quitting now. you wouldnt believe how far ive come, how this year was a clean fresh start. of course i made mistakes already, but everyone does. everyone. its my sophomore year, and ive been doing my best to make the most of it. ive been to hell in back. depression and back. ive came full circle. it almost seems childish the way i acted last year, i pretended it was just awful to see someone go. it is awful, but goodbyes are a part of life. getting let down is a part of life. all of the things i went through is gonna always be a part of being a teenager. this whole teenage thing sucks, getting your heart broken sucks. but there is no reason for me to pretend its the end of the world. its not. ever.

this summer i disappeared, i fell off the face of the earth. i didnt hang out with anyone from school and i was free. i felt free. i felt like i was missing out of course, but i was free. and i did it so i could come back to this year, fresh, and new. bryson had me for the whole summer though, and he never came around. same ole bryson.

theres somethin different about this year though, somethin i can feel. im happier, im learning how to control the way i act and im learning to deal with situations i used to blow off. i have better friends, amazing friends. and they make me happy. brooke and brianna are a pain in the ass but the rest are the best i could ask for. im blessed.

as far as boys go, im with no one. not talkin to anyone and the last person i talked to was alec hubrich, ew lol. but the way it ended was perfect, he let me know, and then it was over. and i was still happy. im happy. bradley and natalie broke up, and i think i might like bradley..but im not sure. i would love a shot with him. he's taller than me, he's cute, and he's sweet. its what i need. but im not gonna get my hopes up, im not even gonna worry about it. its nothing i should worry about because this year, im not gonna put myself to where i was last year. i hate getting my hopes up, and i hate feeling that pit in my stomach. i hope one day i can look back at these and laugh my ass off. and think how dumb i was, for letting it hurt me so much. and i hope i look back with my boyfriend sittin next to me and think i was so young, and fragile. and immature. but i was sure good at lying. and i hope when i read this ill think i was so right.

im gonna have a boyfriend someday, im gonna have someone to be there for me always. forever. and im not gonna have to worry about what the next girl says about him, or whats going on. because it will be me and him, no one else in our relationship. im not sure who its gonna be, or when its gonna be, but its gonna be the best thing. and i cant wait. but until then, im gonna smile and have fun.

who needs boys anyways?

i wish you the best, good luck boo. weezy f for fuck you <3

dkitch.

2011-03-14T13:17:00.001-07:00

Truth is your cute, truth is your really funny. Truth is we needa hangout, truth Is you think you can do anything, truth is you always go to subway(; truth is you cant do that one thing(;

this is about me

2011-03-06T14:58:00.000-08:00

this time, its about me. its me. im the one who takes control. i do what i do because its my decision. life throws you curve balls, and you know what you do? you catch it. you take it. you make sure everyone in the world knows your stronger than that, that you can be better than that..that you can handle everything..because you can. god wont give you more than you can handle..and you can handle this.
this time is different, this time your not gonna fall on your face. this time, your gonna be happy. no regrets, and no troubles. do whatever it takes to be happy. push past the depression you put yourself in, and face the light. you know you can be happy, and thats all you need to focus on. God, and your happiness. thats all you should worry about. so..instead of just letting everyone in, be guarded. but dont never let someone in, you'll lose yourself in the nothingness.

let dyllin in, you already have. but dont let him make a fool of you, feel scared, weird, or awkward. let him make you happy, you know he does. but when he screws up, give him another chance, but dont keep handing out chances. give him your heart, you already handed over yourself. just dont fall too hard, cause he might not catch you. but trust him, you already know you do. give him your heart, and he'll give you everything. lose something to him, whether it be virginity or a friend..it just proves you love him. you know your already falling for him..his looks, his personality. your falling so hard so fast. dont make yourself believe your in love, cause your not. you might fall in love. hes different, and he made that clear the first day you talked. he told you he wanted to date, he made it obvious. and your both falling. let it happen. just..dont..let yourself get hurt. you will, you know it. but..keep your self from..dying.

they say that i'm trippin', but i know what i want. this guy here is different, he got something that they don't. ♥

im broken

2011-02-26T17:20:00.000-08:00

i dont think there's anything i can do anymore. i cant seem to find a guy to hang around long enough to date me..and if they do, i dont truly like them. its so tough to make yourself move on from someone, but when they make it obvious its not going anywhere, you just have to give up on it. i feel like shit for just sitting around here trying to get with him..when its obvious its all he wanted..sex. and i just, cant handle that. i really wish i could find someone to be happy with right now. i hate feeling all happy and excited but never getting the main person you want. and i hate sitting around here wanting someone more than anything but when i get someone i either lose them.. or im not really interested. and it sucks so much to just wait for the right one to just come around and make me so happy. there comes a point when you just have to move on. it hurts more than anything ive ever done but i just gotta do it. i promised myself on january 1, 2011 i would stop trying. but yet, im still working my ass off to be what everyone else wants. but i need to stop. just take a step back. and fix things. because i cant keep lying and i cant keep acting like whats going on is okay. because it will never be. its not right to act like your on top of the world, because you fall down quick. i even lost my best friend. and i hate it more than anything. i just..hate this. so. damn. much. i cant handle this. and i just keep trying to go on and act like whats happening is normal and okay but its really not. none of this is acceptable. and i hate how much i hate my life. because i cant stand the things that go on sometimes, its not right. my family is falling a part. my brother is gone for months. my bestfriend is so mad at me its impossible to believe. i want her back more than anything. school is okay. friends are fake. people keep saying shit. and i cant handle none of this anymore. my BEST friend. the bestest one i've ever have..gone. because of the stupidest things. and i hate myself for it. i hate everything about me. in the past week, ive came so close to being over. to just ending it all. but i always have to remember that i have SOME people who love me. whether i know it or not. im so close to snapping. to just being over. but i keep myself from it because i have to. im to the breaking point. no one else can see the tears in my eyes every night. no one can see how close i am to just ending it all... no one.

i cant even explain this

2011-02-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

so...im afraid another one of you boys is done with me. things never seem to work, and i really want a chance at this boy..he's amazing, and i just want him. but i feel like things wont work out the way i want, i want him..more than a lot of things right now. it sucks to think that i might lose him. because i might have a chance now..but im afraid its all about someone else...fmlfmlfmlfmlfml..

i lost him.
thats it, i know and i hate this feeling. i feel like i lost the person who has helped me have any hope for guys.i knew he was trouble, and i know i probably have no chance whatsoever... but i wish. i pray. because, i like him...soooo much. and i wish he would just text me..call me..do whatever, and get me. its all i want. i've let so many guys in..and maybe im wrong for even wanting to let him in.

i think..im done. i think..its dumb for trying. there's hope out there, but i just..cant do this anymore. i cant be used anymore,i cant keep on feeling happy then crushed. if you want me, date me, dont do this to me please. because you kill me.

so lost, and so gone.

2011-01-31T17:47:00.000-08:00

brandon-
ahh. i thought i was so over you. WAAAY over you. who knew i could find those feelings for you again? what we had was months ago...in the 2 great weeks in september. i hate that once my best friend starts dating you..i feel something again. ive been ignoring and avoiding you for months. i avoid thinking about you and even looking at you. because i knew i would feel something. and i do. but i cant. today was the first time i let you in for months, and i hate feeling like this. even thinking about you hurts. i was so naive and dumb back then. i had you..if only for a week. so many things have changed since then..so many memories. so many changes, differences. i shouldnt miss you. at all. but what can i say, i miss everything and everyone.

matthew-
ah matt. i knew i wasnt over you. and to see you with her...is painful. i have accepted that i will NEVER get you back. i see that now, more than i ever have. i think im just gonna slowly forget you..if its even possible. i wish everything from our rocky path would slip away, but it wont. it never does. i miss you. everything that happened, happened for a reason, but it doesnt make this any less painful. be happy, its all i want. just please dont think of me bad. please dont think of me any different than the girl you liked. and please, with everything i have...dont forget me.

bye.

2011-01-21T18:57:00.000-08:00

i miss you more than i ever have. but i thought i was over it. i thought because i didnt think about you all the time or always check up on you, that i was over it. but you were one guy who just had me under your spell. this is selfish, but this is honest, i hate seeing you happy with someone else. i would give anything to be her, to have you. because you never acted like that with me, never. i hate thinking that even more. but i figured i was over you. but tonight i realized im not. i hate thinking about you, and thinking i want you. cause i shouldnt want that. but tonight i also realized something, your a jerk. your a huge jerk. you treated me sooo wrong and i never once thought twice about it. and i hate that i figured all this out in one night. but i think ill never be able to look at you the same. ill prolly avoid you nest time i see you, or act like im the coolest thing ever so you'll miss me. but its whatever. i honestly think you hate me. and i hate that all together. its like all the sudden im the last person on earth you wanna talk to. and i just...cant stand the thought of you hating me? it kills me inside and out..and i hate it. i feel like i hate you for hating me. i think you cant stand me. and i dont even know why. i just...give up on the thought of you. because i wont get my baby back, ever...so ill have to move on.

new years resolution.

2011-01-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

this is my new years resolution. be me, no one else. be who i am all the time and dont change for different people. dont try so hard to make everyone else happy, because it never makes me happy. stop worrying about stuff that i cant fix, because im wasting my time. move on from guys, the right one will come around eventually. dont try to get anyone back. dont even try. i dont need to try to look amazing for everyone, i gotta be just who i am. and stop trying to impress everyone. i have the friends i need, and if i make more, than okay. have fun. dont worry about all the dumb stuff that never comes around. hang out with the people you can be yourself around. JUST HAVE FUN. stop thinking so much. do things in moderation but do stuff you've never did. party. be yourself. chill. sing. laugh. smile. talk. dance. dance like a hoe. drink. try things i've never tried. stay true to myself. continue with god, pray more, but HAVE FUN. i dont need to worry. 2011 is my year. and i will make this the most fun year i've ever had. stop trying to find a guy, and let em come to you. OH, and stop writing stuff that makes me sad. spend time with family, and at the lake, do crazy shit. JUST BE ME. thats it. thats my year.

2011=my year<3

so i was wrong.

2011-01-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

i was wrong. more wrong than i have ever been. i thought you missed me, i thought i stood a chance. wwrrrooonnnggg. you saw me, you smiled. you hugged me. you seemed like you missed me. you watched me talk, and laugh, and hug everyone else. and i thought, this boy misses me. but you dont. you never will. because, im not what you want anymore. its obvious now, and it kills me. but im through. the other night, i thought you missed me. and that maybe i could get you back. but i cant. im through trying, if you want to talk to me...then talk. but i give up trying to talk to you. our conversations are pointless and retarded. i miss you. but if i truely liked you, i need to let go. and move on. because i cant handle any of this anymore. i cant wait around for something that aint coming. i might be in brokenheartsville but im getting better.

so i dont know

2010-12-28T14:14:00.000-08:00

well. i dont even know how to explain it at all.
so imma kill you.
[Matt Clements]
3:03pm
good.
[You]
3:04pm
poke.
poke.
[Matt Clements]
3:04pm
pokeee.
[You]
3:04pm
friggin poke!
aahhh
shoot me now
[Matt Clements]
3:04pm
good good.
[You]
3:04pm
there you go again.
[Matt Clements]
3:05pm
mmhmmm.
[You]
3:05pm
ugh. evil.
[Matt Clements]
3:05pm
ikr?
[You]
3:06pm
iloveit.
[Matt Clements]
3:06pm
YOU CANT STEAL MAH SAYNS!
[You]
3:06pm
;D
yes
[Matt Clements]
3:06pm
no.
[You]
3:06pm
aight i wont..(:
[Matt Clements]
3:07pm
good. punk.
[You]
3:07pm
jerk.
[Matt Clements]
3:21pm
its how i roolll.
[You]
3:21pm
haha i can tell mister.
[Matt Clements]
3:21pm
good good.
[You]
3:22pm
so whats up?
[Matt Clements]
3:23pm
talkn to peopleess. bout to head upp ta church.
[You]
3:24pm
haha aint that fun
[Matt Clements]
3:24pm
veryyy
[You]
3:24pm
haha im going to cincinnati tomorrow for church. im excited.
[Matt Clements]
3:24pm
thatss fun.
i saww a post from geoff about that.
[You]
3:25pm
haha i see i see. but its icey up there, im prolly gonna bust my butt.
[Matt Clements]
3:26pm
good good.
iloveit
[You]
3:26pm
gee thanks matt, love you too.
[Matt Clements]
3:26pm
;);)
[You]
3:26pm
thats not a good thing!
ill hurt myself /:
[Matt Clements]
3:27pm
mmmmm no ya wont
[You]
3:27pm
i will. promise. and never here the end of it.
hear*
[Matt Clements]
3:28pm
ahahahahha. tbh you proolly will.
[You]
3:28pm
hahahhaa. just like how jackson is STILL calling me catfish.
[Matt Clements]
3:29pm
good.
[You]
3:30pm
thats not good.
my names micaela
[Matt Clements]
3:31pm
it is good.
iloveit
[You]
3:32pm
ugh.
forget you matt.
[Matt Clements]
3:33pm
yousa hata.
[You]
3:33pm
am not.
i changed my mind
i will remember you.
hahahahahahhahaha
[Matt Clements]
3:34pm
good good.
[You]
3:35pm
haha cuz im not a hater?
[Matt Clements]
3:36pm
oh no your still a hater.
[You]
3:36pm
am not. cuz i love everyone
[Matt Clements]
3:37pm
mmmm i dont believe you.
[You]
3:37pm
you dont believe i love you?
[Matt Clements]
3:37pm
well sure you love me. but not EVERYONE
[You]
3:38pm
hahaha. i do dislike some people, but ya know...i love em
[Matt Clements]
3:39pm
mmmmmmm whatevz
[You]
3:39pm
haha fine. dont believe me. jerk.
[Matt Clements]
3:39pm
good.
[You]
3:39pm
ugh
[Matt Clements]
3:39pm
iloveite
iloveit*
[You]
3:40pm
urg. effff.
[Matt Clements]
3:40pm
why eff?
[You]
3:40pm
haha your evil.
[Matt Clements]
3:41pm
good. k i gottaa go up to thaa church.. byee
[You]
3:41pm
aight. ttyl. byyeee.
[Matt Clements]
3:41pm
kbye
[You]
3:42pm
ugh. kthanksbyejerk(:
[Matt Clements]
3:42pm
:D:D
[You]
3:42pm
BYE NOW (:
Matt is offline.

i miss you? more than ever. i honestly think you might miss me, possibly. but i dont wanna read into it at all. cuz, if i lose you again..i will die. and i cant deal with that again. it will kill me. and im just gonna pretend your mine, just for a minute. maybe longer. until i realize your not. your a heart breaker, and i cant handle that. i miss you to death babe. more then ever. but im not gonna shed a tear. im gonna look the other way, and be happy. i dont know where we'll be in a week, a month, a year. anything is possible. but for now, i miss you to death. and ill wait here til you come back. but i think im moving on. i some how hope we hang out on one of those accidental times, and you'll find me interesting once more. i hope you do. i wanna be more than friends, but i think you just wanna stay there.
"how do you let go, when you just just dont know whats on the other side of the door"
i miss you matthew david clements. more than ever. you dont miss me. but im always here. for forever. its pathetic and useless. but i love you. remember what we had, and we could get it back (:

not getting any better.

2010-12-17T21:26:00.000-08:00

your still every thought on my mind. your still everywhere. i cant stop thinking about it. you. everything. i dont think you miss me at all. i think you forgot me as soon as i was gone. but i give up. i cant think about you anymore..you have become a disease. something i cant cure. your in every thought i have. your always somewhere in the back of my mind. i cant explain it. i feel like im just waiting on you to come out of no where and make it all better. i keep wishing that maybe you'll remember me and just call me. and tell me how you are. i want you to be happy more than anything, but i just wish you wished the same for me. im afraid that im wasting my time missing you. because you obviously dont miss me at all. you feel nothing. you dont think about me. ill admit, ive given up completely. i just wanna cry. i wanna see your smile and hear your laugh. i wanna go back to that night...when you told me how you felt. if i could feel the way i felt then, i would trade anything. but i cant. i wont find someone. i feel so dumb for waiting on you to text me. but i feel like i should just disappear and never come back. that you would be better off without me. that maybe you would want me if i disappeared and you missed me. but that wont happen. i've been waiting. i just cant do it though. so i give up. clean cut. i miss you to death matt. i miss us talking. but i feel i cant text you. i dont want to bug you anymore. so once again. i love you. goodbye

you're gone.

2010-12-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

i knew it'd happen. you would leave me. you swore it wasnt gonna be that way...that i was different than all the others. but im not, im just another girl. you were my everything.... but you gave up on me. you let me go. you let the trivial things in life get in the way. you slipped through my fingers. and i couldnt catch you. i dont want to see you. i dont want to talk to you now that i think about it. i hate going back to life without you. but i am. i have to. you left me. you prolly dont miss me as much as i miss you. i feel like i lost myself in losing you. but you were starting to get picky, and not just like me for me. you began to want things, that i couldnt give you. you began to tell me that i wasnt enough. i could see it all. i was beginning to be something you didnt want anymore. it started slowly...then today, you gave up on me. i miss you. soo much. but your not gonna come back, once your gone...your gone. i've never felt a pain like this. no other guy affected me so much. i prolly dont hold a spot in your heart, or your mind. just another girl, another mess up. you tell me im beautiful, funny, cute, sincere, and im great. if im all those things...why cant you like me? why cant i be more? why did you let me go? these are the questions that haunt me. i wont let go. i can tell right now. i want to so bad, i cant stand this feeling. but you had me. more than anyone has ever had me before. its different with you, and i can swear to it. but turns out, your a guy...and guys like to hurt me. i dont want to give up on you. i wanna be able to think i still have a chance. but you said earlier, im nothing anymore. you get tired of girls. and i was just another one. i miss you. i could go on and on and on about you. i could pour my heart out even more. but i wont. it wont change anything. it wont make this hurt any less. it wont make you come back. but the next time you see me, dont bother to say anything. just let me go. i dont wanna fill your mind. im pointless. and you can think of much better things. if you happen to see me anywhere, dont feel entitled to say hi. ill just look forward. i dont wanna bug you. but i do. i want to scream at you, make you see the pain im in. make you understand. but you never will! im nothing anymore. i want to just keep talking to you. but you dont want that. you think i should just move on. maybe i will. maybe i should just do what everyone says. erase you from everything. delete your number, your friendship, delete you from my mind. but i know how this works, its easier said than done. i told you it would happen...but i think you doubted it so much that it happened. you up and left. you were the best thing i had. and i am dying on the inside. but you dont understand me at all. i just want to disappear. maybe that'd make you happy. i just hope, that you miss me just a little. i DO hope you see me. just to see what'd you do. just to see if it changed anything in your mind. but it wont. so i shouldnt wish that. i shouldnt wish anything. your gone. and your never coming back. i swore i wouldnt say this.
but goodbye, i love you.

you.

2010-11-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

you...thats all i can say. your smile, your laugh, your singing, your jokes, your voice, your goofy faces, i love it all. im afraid ill get old, and you'll get tired of me. but your amazing. and i just cant get you out of my head, its all the time. when we talk, im happy. you mean the world to me, and i just..hope it doesnt end. your the one good thing i have. everything else, crashes and falls and i lose it all. but you, your different. its like god knew what i wanted and needed. and your just that. exactly what i need. someone to keep me in line, to make me smile when im mad. its been a week and i think you know me better than anyone else. it makes me smile, and to you, im different. im interesting. i just wonder how long it will last. before you leave me. god bless you. your what i need, i dont think i have anyone else like you. you amaze me. but im really scared. ill get old, boring, annoying, and you'll want nothing to do with me. right now, your my baby. my boo. my babe. the best thing i have. best i ever had.

change.

2010-11-24T20:31:00.000-08:00

things change. expecially for me. it changes fast. and i never know how to fix it, or deal with it. just when i think somethings going the way i want, i lose it as soon as i get it. i never know how to understand it, it didnt used to be like this. things used to stay the same for a while at least, but these days, everything changes in seconds. hours. minutes. and i cant control it. just when i get what i want, i lose it all. maybe im wrong for ever thinking i have a chance. i dont. every person i feel i might stand a single chance with, i lose them...or i get old. or maybe im just not who they think i am. and i feel like a disappointment all the time, because im always second pick. they say one day you'll find the guy that puts you first, and you wont be second choice. i know i have a long time, but why not now? i would rather not talk to any guys then constantly be let down by them. here i am running around thinking maybe things will be different with this guy, but then i remember im not who anyone wants. and no matter how much i try, nothing ever works. maybe i should give up. take a break. do something besides live this let down of a life. maybe just focus on friends, and no one else. guys shouldnt matter. but of course they do. it might go on like this for years. til one day i have enough and just give up.

you dont know what you do to me

2010-11-18T15:21:00.000-08:00

i could sit here, and think for years about that one month, when we had something. not alot, but something. it was september...and it was something i loved i loved talking to you. i loved that night. but of course, life changes. you changed. or maybe, the person i thought you were, isnt who you truely are. i dont know, but things changed. i mean, maybe all of the things you said was a lie, maybe you never meant for me to fall for you that fast, but i did. and i cant seem to stand up. i still like you, but im allowing myself to like other people. i wish things were the way they were that night. and the following two weeks. we talked all the time, and it was just amazing for me. i liked you so much, and you probably had no idea. you might have liked me, if only for 2 weeks. things change, people change. i guess the way things are, is gonna stay that way. my bad for ever trying, my bad for having those feelings, things could have been perfect, but life always proves you wrong. i guess what im trying to say through all of this, i want you. i miss you. i love you. but those days are gone im afraid. its over, im through. ill walk away with my hands over my head, and my eyes closed. i cant look at you, without feeling something. but its life, and im going to have to go on.

to you.

2010-11-02T16:12:00.001-07:00

"Although I’ll always love you and remember the times we had,
you’re a snobby little b*tch and you hurt me really bad.
Though you think it’s funny and only times will tell
that payback is a b*tch and I hope you burn in hell.
Although you were my girl, that I will admit
but when it comes to being a true one, babe you ain’t sh*t"

i cried today.

2010-10-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

i cried today. not all exactly because of you, but because i cant handle anything anymore. little things tear me apart. im so done with the hurt, pain, and loss. i cried today because im not your girl. im not the one you want, or need. im just another girl. i cried because drama killed me. it was like waves flooding the shore. i couldnt find my way out. im lost, i will be lost til you tell me other wise. i hate that im like this, i hate that i have to cry because of you. i hate that you effect me so much that i cry for hours on end. i hate all of that, but truth is, you dont care. i could sit here and tell you all day how much you killed me and how you murdered my heart, and you would just say "ya." and i cant handle that. you look at her and what do you see? you see big boobs, big butt, nice face. aren't i the same? except i would actually last with you, i would be the one for you. but you changed that by basically picking her. and how wrong was i to think that you would be here? i thought maybe...this could be the guy who doesnt hurt me? but as im realizing it all, im seeing that maybe i was wrong. i was wrong to think you just might be here. i thought maybe you could turn my life around. i pushed away other guys just because i thought maybe i'd get that one chance with you. i say screw that. im over it. except not really. i never will be, i guess you'll just be the guy i will like all year, just like i did last year. but im through. i can find someone else and maybe i deserve better. but i cant get you. i want you more than anything. but im broken now. forget me...because im not enough.

ill never know.

2010-10-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

ill never know the feeling. ill never forget you though. you held my heart for a while, and to see my heart on the floor stings. but you don't care. because i'm just another girl. but i always wished i could be more to you. but im not. ill just be another face, another girl to mess with. ill never be the girl for you. maybe that's good, but i think its horrible. you mean a lot to me, you said all the right things...and you could always make my day. but now...im hurt. just to hear something like that, and to be ignored for days upon days...kills me.and i dont wanna come running back when you see im upset and apologize. because you'll do it again. i know you, and i know you well enough to know that. i wish things were different. but that never will be, ever. im just not good enough.ill get over it. eventually. ill give my heart to someone else, if i ever can..

"its okay, its alright, i put the pain away and let it slide. i forgive and forget..and you promise me i wont regret it, but i do its not right, because i turn around and let it slide. am i crazy for thinking, things wont start changing because you keep on crossing the line?"

Bw, wherever you are...i want you to know...that im through. i give up. maybe your apology was supposed to help me or something, but it ruined me. it speared the last parts i had of you. you still mean the world to me. but i just cant think of you the same til you convince me it'll be different this time. i wanted a chance, some type of hope. but i know you wont give it to me. i give up.

this is when its tough.

2010-10-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

they dont see it at all. i cry, and i love them so much. but it seems as if i dont matter. little things get me in trouble and i just cant bare it. i wanna just do something to make them see, but its not possible. they are stubborn as can be. and they dont see me...they only see their perfect lives. and i cant do anything to make it better. i try to be the good daughter, the one who always listens. but its hard when they try so hard to make you mad. its like they want me to screw up. its like they just want me to get mad and blow up. they love me getting in trouble. its their favorite game. and im just a player in their little game.

What Can I Do

2010-10-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

So this is just me basically telling you all my feelings, without releasing names. Well lets just say, what can i do? i put myself out there, give you my all. i try to understand what goes on in your mind. one day..im the most important thing to you, and then the next, shes hot, and im just backup. I try really hard just to be the girl you would want. That first night, you had me amazed. i tried so hard to just not let you in. but eventually i let it all in. i let you in, my feelings in, and the pain in. Because turns out, you want a girlfriend. but who am i? just some freshman..just some girl you'll flirt with when you want, and then when theres someone else. im not important. boy, i just cant get you out of my head. at school, i search for you, just to see your face, your eyes, just get a glimpse of you. but even if we both see eachother, only two words are spoken...sometimes none at all. i just wish you could see me, for me. i wish i had just one chance, a kiss, hug, something. a dance, just something. something for you to see me. because i think im worth it, im worth you. i deserve you, i've been told i deserve better. but if i can get better, than why cant i get you? we deserve eachother. i just wish you could sit down and think about me, all about me. just put me in your thoughts, if you did, i would be your girlfriend. i would be the one put first, the one you always had. i'd be there for you, i'd be the best girlfriend i could possibly be. you just see right through me...and if you knew me...it could be unbelievable...not invisible. so heres to you, BW...i love you.